I know many of you reading this have experienced some type of damaged relationships or know family and friends who have.

As I write this, I think of a young mom who's ex-husband was arrest two weeks ago for sexually abusing their daughter. Through our conversations I hear the anger, betrayal and hurt that she expresses - understandably so.

If I asked you to share a time when a trusted friend hurt you, I know you probably would have your own painful stories to share.

Jesus also experienced betrayal and abuse from the very friends and people he came to save. If it weren't for his example, I know I would not be able to practice forgiveness. If it weren't for his example, verses like the one below would feel like a real kick in the pants:

Make allowances for each other's faults and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.

Colossians 3:13 (NLT)

I think in my own journey of forgiveness, I'm realizing that God doesn't tell me to forgive because it's my duty. It's because He wants me to live a victorious life. A life full of the same energy, peace and joy I used to feel before I was hurt. It's easier said than done, but I'm working through it. In this article I want to share my personal steps I've had to take to forgive people.

Before I do, I want to preface a couple of things.

First, if you find yourself wrestling with the idea of forgiveness, I give you full permission to disagree with this article or at least fight with it.

Second, this isn't the ultimate guide to provide forgiveness techniques. These are personal steps I've taken for myself that have helped me. If they encourage you, great. If not, no harm, no foul.

With that, let's jump in.

1. Return to the rubble

When people hurt me, I always want to suppress those feelings and memories deep down inside me. I don't want to talk about them, think about them or dream about them. But I'm learning that if I want to heal from that hurt and truly forgive, I have to start with the pile of emotions, thoughts, beliefs and memories that make up what I call the rubble.

It reminds me of a scene I saw on TV just a couple of weeks after the September 11th attacks. A reporter was wrapping up an interview and behind her was the view of mountains and heaps of building debris and twisted metal. I'll never forget what she said in that moment:

"It is said that it can take several months to a year for the restoration process to be complete, but for the hearts of most Americans, the process will take a life time."

This is how forgiveness has felt for me. It's like returning to a warzone with rubble every where. But forgiveness starts with restoration inside us, and that requires facing the rubble, evaluating it, unpacking it and cleaning it up.

Some of the best approaches to this that I've found include talking with a trusted friend, seeing a good counselor and brain dumping through the process of journaling.

2. Rely on God's power

One thing I realize about forgiveness is that it can't humanly be done. We can't fully forgive anyone based on our own effort. It requires the power of the Holy Spirit.

Some people have successfully moved on, put boundaries in place and have kept hurtful people from effecting them. But while cutting ties can be a step taken in the process of forgiveness, forgiveness is not the same as cutting people off. It requires supernatural power from God that we have to ask for.

I've had to go to God in prayer regularly for strength. My prayers have simply been "Lord, give me enough strength right now for the grace I don't have for this person."

I also think a big piece to relying on God's power is remembering his forgiveness for me. I think it's harder to forgive others when we don't know what it's like to be forgiven. Mother Theresa said:

"We have to be forgiven in order to be able to forgive. If I don't understand this, it will be very hard for me to say 'I forgive you' to anyone who comes to me." - No Greater Love

Forgiveness is easier to show when we've experienced it from God.

3. Release the bitterness

I've seen so many lives ruined because of bitterness. Bitterness is a root sin, meaning there are several actions or behaviors that spring from it, including anger, malice, hatred, revenge and slander. This means if we want to be forgiving, it might require digging deep beneath the soil of our hearts and addressing the root of bitterness.

Unresolved bitterness has caused me to unfairly view innocent people through the lens of those who hurt me. Bitterness has made me prejudice, robbed me of my peace and joy and made me more suspicious of people. If I don't release that bitterness quickly to God, it festers in my soul, slowly turning me into a worse version of myself than what God has planned for me.

4. Relinquish the person to God

When I'm angry at someone, all I can think about is them suffering for what they've done. The truth though is that constantly thinking of them drains me emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I even justify my thinking as me saying "I'm just imagining them receiving the justice they deserve - after all, God is a God of justice, right?".

Yes God is just. But he also tell us this:

" Don't make judgements about anyone ahead of time - before the Lord returns. For He will bring our the darkest secrets to light and will reveal our private motives."

1 Corinthians 4:5 (NLT)

In other words, God will handle those who hurt us, so I need to surrender them emotionally to God.

Does this mean we shouldn't pursue justice for those who commit heinous crimes in our culture?

Not at all. There's a difference between processing someone through our legal system so justice is served, versus us holding on to them in our minds and hearts. They don't need to take up space inside us. Evict them and let God's presence move into those areas of your soul.

5. Remember forgiveness is a journey

I think this idea is what has encouraged me the most. I used to think forgiveness was a one time choice - a transaction - we made one time and move on afterwards.

The reality is forgiveness is a journey of mountains and valleys where some days we're making progress and others we're camping for the week. Some days we're feeling a deep sense of peace and freedom, and other days we're triggered by something and struggling with the old familiar pain.

I think realizing that forgiveness isn't a one time act, but rather a lifelong journey, gave me grace for myself that I desperately needed. Give yourself plenty of time.

I feel like anytime there is a conversation about forgiveness, there rises some myths or toxic beliefs about what people assume forgiveness is. Many reason why forgiveness is such a raw subject for some is because they've been abused or manipulated by people who used forgiveness as a weapon to control others and justify their toxic behaviors.

I'll be working on a follow up blog article tackling the subject of 'Lies we believe about forgiveness', so keep an eye open for that.

In the mean time, if you have any comments or questions, I'd love to hear from you. Feel free to leave a comment and let's continue the discussion.

Otherwise I hope this article was encouraging and gave you something to think about!

Blessings,

Isaac