Violent people mislead their companions, leading them down a harmful path.

Proverbs 16:29 (NLT)

If you've read any books on mental wellness or seen a therapist, you might have heard of the term love bombing. If not, you might recognize the concept under a few other terms:

• Kindness with a price

• Love with strings attached

• Agenda driven efforts

• Compassion with a catch

• Manipulated care

Everyone at some point in their life practices some form of love bombing, although some recognize the unhealthy traits of it early on in their lives and avoid it, while others never have the self awareness to address realize what they're doing and continue on in it.

Love bombing is the act of bestowing lavishing amounts of praise, validation, gifts and attention on someone for the purpose of getting something in return from them. Once the person gets what they want, they will withdraw their efforts of affection from the other person, leaving the other person in the relationship confused and hurt.

The term is mostly used in the context of romantic relationships, but it's traits are used in every kind of relationship including children, parents, coworkers, church friends, employers and other professional relationships. Below are some examples of what this looks like in everyday life:

• A young teenage boy constantly spends time with his girl friend from school telling her how amazing she is, buying her gifts and letting her talk about her problems. But once they sleep together, he either breaks up with her or ghosts her so frequently that she breaks up with him.

• A young woman dating another guy is constantly building him, showing admiration for his career success, and making him feel valued. But as soon as she moves in with him and doesn't have to pay for her own rent anymore, she pulls back from her affirming words and distances herself from him.

• A new church visitor is constantly telling their pastor how awesome they are, taking them out to lunch, and paying for entertainment like tickets to the movies or a sports game. But when the pastor doesn't listen to their requests to shift the sermon series to the topics they want. the visitor gets angry, spreads online gossip and slander about the pastor and leave the church a negative review.

• A coworker is always making time for their fellow workmates, paying for coffees and listening to their problems. But as soon as they become the manager, their attitude takes a change for the worse and they actually begin to treat their subordinates with disrespect and apathy.

• A pastor showers their volunteers with gifts and flattery and makes time to connect to hear how they enjoy serving in church. But once the volunteer expresses a concern or has a different idea, the pastor cuts them off, ignores them on Sundays or removes them from their volunteer role.

Simply put, love bombing is good old fashion manipulation tactics. In this blog article I'll share 5 specific tactics that I found from the book 'It's Not You" by Dr Ramani Durvasula, but will share my own insights and experiences on each one and more importantly, how to address and respond to each one in a healthy way. Let's jump in!

1. Charm

Manipulative people who are trying to use others for their own gain know how to act polite and extra courteous in such a way that it turns on the admiration from others. Often they're good at complimenting others, telling them how amazing they are and how much they appreciate them. It's essentially a false appreciation.

Don't get me wrong - being polite or a likeable person isn't wrong in itself. But if you've read Dale Carnegie's book "How to Win Friends and Influence People" you'll know he talks about the importance of investing value in others with a heart of genuiness and humility, not with ulterior or self serving motives, especially if you're getting someone to sacrifice their best interests to serve your own.

So how do you tell whether the charm is a love bombing tactic or not, and how can you respond?

One way is to watch how they treat others or talk about them to see if they are appreciative of them, either publicly or behind closed doors. For example, if you're having dinner with them and they've been extra charming with you but they treat the staff disrespectfully, that's a red flag. If you watch your boss always lavishing praise and appreciation for another employee, but behind closed doors they slander their character, that's a red flag.

If you suspect the person is love bombing, you can test them in a loving way by saying, "you always do a great job of buttering me up... if I didn't know any better I'd say you wanted something from me!" which in this case, if the person is being manipulative, they will either get very defensive, flustered or almost immediately began isolating themselves from you. If the person is not being manipulative, more times than not they will be curious about what you mean, ask clarifying questions and respond with an empathetic heart.

2. Charisma

Manipulative people can also portray charismatic traits, such as being outgoing, energetic, personable and having a way of drawing people to themselves. You often see this in the business world, where either a customer tries dosing the business with words and actions that will make the company fall in love with the customer and cave in to giving the customer a steep discount that doesn't financially benefit the business. Or on the flip side, a sales person may come off as extra bubbly and energetic toward a customer in order to make a sale - even if the purchase isn't what the person needs.

Of course some people are naturally gifted with charisma, and having this trait doesn't necessarily mean they're being manipulative. So how can tell when someone is using charisma to get what they want?

See how they respond to "No". A person who is using charisma in a manipulative sense will not be able to carry that charisma for long when they know they're not getting what they want. If they ask you to do something for them and you politely respond with a 'No' keep an eye open for responses such as:

• "But I want/need you to... why won't you?"

• "That's pretty uncool of you, I thought I could count on you"

• "That's okay - I mean I've bought you dinner all these nights so the least you could do is take care of this..."

• "I guess you don't care about me"

• "I can't believe you're choosing to miss out on such a great opportunity"

• "I can accept that as long as you realize you're making the biggest mistake of your life..."

Also keep an eye open for behavioral and attitude changes, such as:

• They stop smiling

• They began laughing nervously

• They cross their arms

• Their lip curls

• They clinch their jaw

• They suddenly become very short with you

• They become distracted with something else and stop making eye contact

• They begin smirking

This is why people who are forcing charisma in order to get what they want can't fool you for very long. It's too natural for them to have an attitude shift.

3. Confidence

Manipulative people come off as self-confident for the sake of getting what they want at the expense of someone else. Here are some example of what manipulative confidence looks like:

• A new CEO of a company is constantly talking about his past successes, degrees and accomplishments, even in meetings and settings where that information isn't relevant

• A pastor constantly name drops big church celebrities or famous book authors they've met.

• A husband makes the case to his wife on why taking out $30,000 in credit card will help their business grow, even when she disagrees or offers different advice. (Unfortunately, I