He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.

2 Corinthians 1:4 (NLT)

Everyone will grieve at some point in their life, especially over the loss of a loved one. But one of the worst things we can experience is having someone say something insensitive, uncaring and simply unbiblical when attempting to comfort us.

Some of the worst statements I've heard from well-meaning people have included:

• God must have needed another angel in heaven!

• At least you won't have to worry about paying for their schooling anymore...

• They must've had unconfessed sin in their life...*

• How are you doing today?

• If you need anything, let me know!

*The third one someone actually told me when my sister passed from cancer.

Another unhelpful act is avoiding people who have lost someone. The reason we tend to avoid them is because we either have never lost someone and feel like we can't relate, or, we simply don't know how to act or what to say.

The truth is, we need one another if we're going to be comforted, find healing and gain the strength and motivation to live our life's purpose moving forward.
We're called to walk with each other in our burdens. The Bible tells us to bear one another's burdens (Galatians 6:2). Not only that, but God cares about our grief and wants to comfort us as well. Psalm 34:18 says "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." (ESV). And Jesus thought grief was so important, he included it in his most famous sermon recorded in the Bible - the sermon on the mount:

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."
Matthew 5:4 (ESV)

So how can we encourage someone who's grieving? In the article I'll share five steps I've appreciated from others who have been there for me when grieving.

1. Be present

Most people just need you in the same room next to them. I call this "the power of presence". Simply five minutes in the same space as someone else can comfort them in a way words can't.
The key is not feeling like you need to say anything. Some people feel awkward when they don't say something. If you feel like you need to say anything, use statements like:
- "I'm so sorry..."
- "I'm here..."
- "My heart aches with you right now..."
But avoid any solution-based comments that try to resolve the grief or why the person passed away. Focus on being present.

You can also be there for someone presently by appropriate physical touch. Giving someone a hug, letting them cry on your shoulder, patting them on the back, rubbing their arm or holding their hand all communicate "I'm here. I'm going to walk through this crisis with you. You're not alone. You're e loved."


2. Be aware

Some people grieve better when surrounded by family and friends. Others must grieve alone. Make sure you're aware of which method the person prefers. One person may benefit from a house-call or getting out for coffee or lunch. The other person may not appreciate a random visit.

How can you be aware of which method the person prefers? Ask them.

Simply text or email them and ask, "would you be up for a visit, or do you prefer some time alone?" That's all you have to ask. Trust me, they will let you know which one they prefer.

3. Use proper responses

Some people see grief as a problem to be fixed rather than a process of healing. Because of this, they'll try to comfort people using remedy-based comments that they hope will make the person feel less sad. When this happens, you can get a lot of hurtful and unbiblical comments like the ones in the beginning of this article.

The truth is besides being present, our words can be a powerful means to comfort people when we use them right. In fact, God calls us to use our words to encourage others. Ephesians 4:29 says, "Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear." (ESV)

Some helpful and comforting words you can share with those grieving include:

• "I'm so sorry..."

• "I miss them so much..."

• "My heart aches for you right now..."

• "I'm so shocked right now..."

• "My heart is broken for you..."

• "We love you..."

• "We're here for you"

These statements are short and simple, but powerful because not only are you empathizing with how the person feels in the moment, but you're providing words that help them recognize their own feelings. Most grieving people will have feelings of heartache, shock and will be missing their loved ones.

Asking the right questions can also help people express their feelings instead of bottling them up. Stay away from questions that require a lot of logical processing. When someone is grieving, thinking through complex ideas and making critical decisions are hard. Instead, ask open-ended questions that invite people to be honest about where they're at with no fear of committing to anything.

Below are some examples of unhelpful questions turned into better ones:

Unhelpful:
"Do you need anything?"
Better:
"We want to be there for you in the areas you need it the most... what are the biggest needs you've felt this week?"
Even better:
"We want to be there for you in the areas you need it the most... Is it okay if I text you in the morning about some of the needs we can help with? That way you'll have time to think about it."

Unhelpful:
"How are you doing?"
Better:
"I can't even imagine what the last couple of weeks have been like for you... how is your family holding up? (using "family" in a third-person sometimes helps someone share their own personal feelings).
Even better:
"I can't even imagine what the last couple of weeks have been like for you..." (Wait for a response)

Unhelpful:
"Are you hanging in there?"
Better:
"I know this must be such a difficult time in so many ways... how is your family hanging in there through those challenges?"
Even better:
"I know this must be such a difficult time in so many ways... (Wait for a response)

4. Stay connected

You've probably felt this as well, but it's usually during the weeks following a death that family and friends show their support the most. During this short period of time, the grieving family is often distracted from their true feelings of grief. Their company acts as a numbing antidote for their hurt, which honestly can be helpful and needed when the pain is fresh.

However, as life begins to go back to "normal" and the family and friends have gone back to their schedules and routines, the grieving person begins to face their real feelings of sorrow as reality sets in that their loved one has passed away.

It's in the aftermath of a death - the weeks and months after the funeral - that the grieving person needs comfort and support the most.

Below is a list of practical ways you can stay connected to someone without being too distant as well as not too overbearing:

• Check in once per week via text or email

• Let them know you were thinking of them and wanted to check in

• Ask them if there's anything you can pray for

• Tell them if you brought over a meal, would they prefer Mexican, Italian, Chinese, etc (give them options)

• If chores are an issue, ask if you can hire a house cleaner from Care.com

• Invite them to coffee or lunch with you

• Share a Bible scripture

Sometimes the person may not be ready to talk so their responses may be short or delayed. That's okay. Keep reaching out regularly, and don't feel like you have to bring or do something big for them. Just a simple text that says "I was thinking of you today - how are you?" sends a bigger message that the person is loved and cared for.

Sometimes the person may be all too eager to accept your help, and may even develop a "needy" mechanism that keeps them reliant on others instead of learning to do things on their own. You may also sense that the person is becoming isolated from family and friends in an unhealthy way. It's okay to need space from others while we grieve. But when we begin to completely cut ourselves off from our spouse, family, co-workers, or church small groups. this can be an unhealthy response to grief.

If you feel like someone might be developing an unhealthy "needy" mechanism, or an unhealthy isolated state of mind, encourage them to see a professional grief counselor or invite them to a local Grief Care support group and offer to attend with them for support.

5. Talk about the deceased loved one

Be sensitive to the person you're with and respect their attitude should they choose not to open up about their loved one. However, I've learned from my own person experience and talking with others that most people not only appreciate it when you ask them to share about their loved one, but it can bring healing to their grief.

Think about it - most people that lose a spouse have lost the biggest, most influential piece of their life. For some, their spouse is 80% of their life. Can you imagine living with a void that big? It's the same principle with the other relationships we value in our lives. Anytime we lose someone we love dearly, not only do we suffer a lonely void, but we have memories, experiences, and stories with that person that we cherish that only we know of. Sharing those memories with others helps validate those experiences and keeps their legacy alive in a healthy, healing way.

Some of the questions I appreciate people asking me about my family and friends who have passed on include:

• What were some of your favorite childhood memories of you and your sister?

• What is something that's unique about this person's personality that made them "them"?

• How did you both meet and what quality about them did you find attractive?

• What was it about their character that your admired the most?

• What are some of the life lessons you learned from them, either by what they told you or how they lived?

• What's something about this person you wish everyone could know?

• What did you guys enjoy doing the most when you were together?

• If this person had a life's mission statement or motto, what do you think it would be?

• What were the things this person was most passionate about in life?

To conclude, a grieving person is looking for someone to fix their pain. They simply need someone who's willing to be present with them during their most sorrowful season in life.
They're looking for a friend who'll be aware of their needs instead of assuming they know what the person needs. Someone who can speak words of life at the right time and stay connected with them after all the visiting and noise had simmered down. And finally, they need someone who cares enough to help appreciate the legacy of their loved one by inviting them to share their memories, experiences and stories.