7 Practices for healthy conflict resolution
Conflict isn't something anyone enjoys dealing with, especially when it's between someone we respect and love.
Unresolved conflict is becoming more common in our culture today. It's easier than ever to cut people off with the click of an "unfriend" button because we're upset with them. We're seeing the consequences of unresolved conflict in our politics, communities, churches, friendships and families.
But conflict can be resolved. And the blessing that comes with it is worth the effort.
Paul tells the church in Ephesus:
Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.
Ephesians 4:31-32 (NLT)
Resolving conflict takes a special set of skills and behaviors that I've had to learn and practice. These didn't come naturally for me, and they don't come naturally to most people.
Resolving conflict requires my heart to be in it. This means having a spirit of humility, letting down my defenses and caring about the healing of the relationship with the other person over my own agenda or ego.
Below are 7 practices that I've had to learn and work at making a habit in order to resolve conflict with others.
1. Go to God first before going to the person
Many times the conflict I have with another person is because of a inner hurt, unmet need, personal perception or agenda that I may not even realize exists. I've had to learn to pray the following prayer:
"God, humble my heart and help me to see if there's a part I played in this conflict. If so, I pray that the Holy Spirit would work on my heart."
Sometimes the conflict is the other person's fault. In this case, I pray:
"God, you know this person's heart. Work through them, and help me to love them while also standing for the truth in a gentle way that exemplifies Jesus."
I personally believe that we cannot resolve conflict fully without the help of the Holy Spirit. Often I'm too depraved and blind to my own weaknesses and sin. Chances are the person I'm having the conflict with is in the same boat (Actually, we've all sinned and fallen short).
I need God's help if I'm going to resolve conflict effectively. Gaining his help begins with going to him in prayer.
2. Initiate the process first
I always want the other person to reach out to me first. I always think to myself "If they contact me, then I'll talk to them."
However, this attitude will get neither of you anywhere.
It takes a mature person to go first. Coming from a large family where I had four older siblings, I've always been used to having others "go first". But as I've challenged myself more, I've realized if I'm going to be a mature, healthy person, I need to text or email the person first and ask if we can talk.
3. Be empathetic as they share their side
It's easy for me to want the other person to hear what I'm saying, and if I'm not careful my focus becomes hitting them over the head with my point of view instead of listening to what they share and trying to understand their heart.
Being an empathetic listener is a tough skill to learn, but comes with massive blessing in return. I get much farther in a conversation when I make an effort to not just hear but "feel" where the other person is coming from. I try to put myself in their place and see the situation from their point of view.
Rick Warren wisely points out:
"Focus on their feelings, not the facts. Begin with sympathy, not solutions."
Being an empathetic listener shows the other person you care about their experiences and feelings, and that you see them for the human being that they are.
4. Accept and own any part of the conflict
There is usually at least one area I've contributed in toward the conflict, even if it's mostly the other person's fault It's very easy to miss my part in an issue because again, I am sinful at heart and blind to my own short comings. I need the Holy Spirit to help reveal my attitude.
Even if I haven't done anything wrong, I can still own how I made the other person feel. I don't want to give a manipulative apology like:
"I'm sorry you're not mature enough to handle my feedback..."
But I can say something along the lines like:
"I didn't realize my actions made you feel this way. I would probably feel the same way if I were in your shoes. I'm sorry that happen."
5. Address the problem, don't attack the person
I can let conflict hurt me more than it needs to when I'm overly defensive. If someone says, "Isaac, I need you to improve your emails to customers", I might take that as "Isaac, you're a horrible email writer who writes bad emails" if my heart is in a defensive state.
On the flip side, I can also make the conflict more hurtful for the other person by attacking them on a personal level. If my wife is upset at me, I might wrongfully say something like "Why are you acting like a jerk?", when I could have said "I feel like something is off between us...".
The root of attacking people comes from a heart of insecurity.
The fruit of addressing problems comes from a heart of humility.
The best way to address a problem is to share about things that have happen to where a third party person could see them too. These things are evident, not assumptions. Some phrases for addressing a problem include:
"When you cussed me out, I felt very disrespected, and I need you to ensure that doesn't happen again."
"When you didn't clean the bathroom when you said you would, I feel like I can't trust you as much."
When we hired you, you agreed to produce these results, but it's been four weeks and you haven't."
"When you play your music at the volume you do, it keeps me from being able to concentrate on my studies."
6. Be open to next steps you both can take
Next steps are important for bringing vision, clarity and continued healing to a relationship. Next steps can be in the form of healthy boundaries, setting measurable goals or clarifying expectations with anticipated consequences or outcomes.
Sometimes the person you're talking to might suggest a next step that's either out of your power or unreasonable. In that case, negotiate a compromised next step. If your employer is asking you to absorb two other employees positions or double your workload and you can't, then negotiate the areas or tasks that you CAN absorb.
On the flip side, if you're the one suggesting the next step, be open to feedback or compromise from the other person. Work together until you both have identified a next step that both of you are okay with.
It's very important not to be coercive during this stage of conflict resolution. Some situations may call for Win-Lose next step, but these situations are more rare. It's okay to be direct with someone, especially if it involves a boundary that protects yourself, your business or your church. But this isn't the same as coercion. Coercion is trying to influence the results YOU want by using fear tactics or threats.
Be open and humble and negotiate a next step that will work for both of you.
7. Prioritize reconciliation, not resolution
Next steps are good, but at the foundation of it all is your relationship with the person which is what you want to emphasize the most.
Many times the reason business partners end up suing each other in court is because there was a breakdown of trust and respect on the relationship level.
On the flip side, all of the best business partners, co-pastors or marriages succeed because there is health at the relationship level.
Being right is never worth a broken relationship.
Coming out on top in an hour of arguing isn't worth the death of a relationship you've had for years or even decades.