For many people, being honest with others is a very difficult step to take. Most people avoid being honest because they're afraid of the consequences (a spouse will get upset, a boss will keep them from advancing in their career, a friend will get hurt). They're afraid of creating conflict, so they avoid addressing the truth in order to maintain peace and order.

The consequences though of not being truthful with others is that it will build tension inside you and eventually ooze out and affect people you care about. When we're not honest with other people, it begins to have an impact on us emotionally and mentally which carries over into our other relationships and situations in life.

While sharing the truth with some people may be difficult, it is actually much more beneficial for you and the other person when you're honest. There might be some temporary conflict, but in the long run you and others will reap the benefits. If the person you're talking to is emotionally intelligent, they will benefit from it too. If not, the loss is on them, but you and others will still reap the positive results of being honest. To be successful, you have to learn to be honest about the truth. In his book “Good to Great” Jim Collins writes:

“All good-to-great companies begin the process of finding a path to greatness by confronting the brutal facts of their current reality”.

This means great companies can only begin the journey of being successful if they’re willing to address the truth about where they’re at. Denial leads to destruction. Transparency leads to thriving. In his book “The 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth” John Maxwell writes:

“Good character, with honesty and integrity at its core, is essential to success in any area of life. Without it, a person is building on shifting sand”.

Whether you're struggling with communicating the truth in a company, church, marriage or other relationship, these steps will help you address more effectively. With that premise, let’s take a look at the steps for effectively communicating the truth.

1. Start with being mindful of your heart
Being honest about the truth is about addressing evidence and data with a person, which we'll address in a moment. However the insidious part of our human nature is that we can collect evidence and data that molds into the internal narrative we've developed about a person due to our own feelings and beliefs about them. (See my other article on gas logic).

As an example, I remember at one point I was about to send a damaging text message to a family member. I felt the text was honest and addressed many points that were backed with evidence of them hurting me, and I was hoping for an apology from them. But as I prayed and reflected on my mindset more, I realized my motives weren't to speak the truth in love. Instead I was really feeling hurt because of some unmet needs from this family member - needs I hadn't communicated before. All the evidence and data I had against this person was just a weapon for me to use against them. I erased the text and didn't reach out until I knew my heart was in the right place.

In his book "The Peacemaker" author and conciler Ken Sande says this about approaching people to talk about conflict:

"Ask yourself these questions: How I am punishing others? How am I judging others? What am I demanding to have? What is the root desire of that demand?"

Take some time to reflect on the state of your heart first. Remember, this isn't about you trying to talk yourself out of addressing the truth with someone. You're also not minimizing important issues. You're simply crossing your 'T's and dotting your 'I's and making sure your heart is in the right place.

2. Be thoughtful about the communication context

Effective communication is understanding when is the best time to connect with someone. I can't tell you how many times I tried addressing something with Lizzy as we were going to bed for the night, which was poor judgement on my end. Those conversations were never effective because I wasn't being considerate of the timing. Now if I want to connect with Lizzy on something important, I ask her "Hey hunny, is there a time this week we could get coffee and talk about "X"? Being conscious of the timing is important to communicating effectively.

It's also important to be thoughtful of where the conversation happens. Some businesses have what I call the "Red Room" or war room, where all the difficult conversations happen - usually a small office in HR or a board room with a long table. I personally don't think these atmospheres are the best place to communicate the truth with someone. The same thing with a person's home office, or any other room where serious conversations tend to happen. These spaces often set a dark shadow on the mood. For me personally, and whenever appropriate, try meeting at a coffee shop where the atmosphere is more casual and light hearted. Or meet at a local park where you can either sit at a table and talk or walk and talk (some times that works better for some people).

Finally, be thoughtful of how you ask for the meeting. Sending someone a text that says "We need to talk ASAP" is not a loving way to initiate a conversation. If I'm texting or emailing someone about connecting, I try m best to make it positive, direct, and hopeful, similar to the message below:

"Hi {person's name}
I hope you're having a great day!
I've been wanting to connect on that situation from Monday a little more. I had some thoughts I wanted to unpack with you. Are you open this week to grab coffee? If you're busy, we can make it a short meeting.
Thanks, and I look forward to catching up soon.
Isaac"

I understand some situations are too serious to have this light hearted tone to them. If the other person has been blowing you off or playing hard to get, you might try something below which is more direct but still respectful:

"Hi {person's name}
I won't be able to move forward in this situation until you and I have connected.
Would a Monday at 9am or Tuesday at 1pm work better for you?
I'm hopeful we can work this out together.
Isaac"

3. Share from an attitude of love

Effec