How do you know when a conflict isn't worth addressing, and when it is?

I've made many excuses for not confronting issues with others. I've also made a big deal about things that weren't worth making an issue of in the first place. Sometimes friends will give us passive advice like "Just give the situation to God". Other times they may encourage us to act too hasty in addressing something that may not even be an issue. 

Maybe you've wrestled with the tension of figuring out when something is worth addressing and when it's not. This can be confusing, and unfortunately, many people either continue living in a destructive situation because they don't address the conflict in it, or, they cause division and push people away because they're complaining about small things. 

In this article, I'll share some red flags to look out for in order to understand when conflict needs to be confronted. I call these red flags 'Indicators'. They act as a gas gauge to help you distinguish the type of conflict you're in and how you should respond to it. 

Without delay, let's jump into the first indicator: 

1. It's Dishonoring God

If someone you know is acting or behaving in a way that is a serious offense to God, then you should address it with the person. 

Of course, some people will debate what is really dishonoring to God, and some might 'proof' scripture or twist it to their own agenda. 

To truly measure this indicator, you'll need a good understanding of Biblical interpretation and scriptural context. If this isn't a strong area for you, contact a trusted pastor or biblical teacher. 

You should also be careful to extend grace and patience, since God is patient with us in our short comings. You don't want to be the uncaring 'Sin Police' who is constantly pointing out others faults or weaknesses. 

So what qualifies as a serious dishonoring act to God, besides the criteria of it being in the Bible? I think asking the following questions can help us figure this out:

• How would our society respond to this act? Is it serious enough to where non-believer would raise an eyebrow at it? Of course our society condones many things that dishonor God that we wouldn't affirm, so you might need to ask the next question. But if it's something that would have legal consequences or be morally damaging to cause serious repercussions, it's probably also dishonoring to God. 

• How would a trusted, licensed counselor respond to this? Sometimes having a professional counselor to help you unpack your concerns with is needed. I've talked to both counselors, coaches and trusted mentors. They've helped me either validate a concern or challenge unhelpful beliefs I've had about people. 

• How would church leadership respond to this issue? If a church's denomination or board of overseers wouldn't afform this act or behavior, than it might be serious enough to address. Unfortunately, church leadership has lost a lot of credibility over the decades due to refusing to address sins or enforce consequences. Make sure the church you connect with is healthy and has a reputation for addressing issues and sins. 

Sometimes the issue though may not be blatantly against God's Word, or may not have a clear verse that indicates so. If that's the case, use the second indicator:

2. It's Damaging the relationship 

If the person responsible for the issue is causing unusual strain on your guys relationship, then you need to address it.

Unusual strain can come in a few different forms:

• Mistrust you have for the other person due to poor choices they've made in the past

• Uneasiness you have around them because of how they recently made you feel 

• Resentment you have toward them because of something they did or said to you that you found hurtful 

• Doubt you have in their credibility because of their broken promises or not keeping their word

• Stress or anxiety you're feeling due to any of the areas above
  

Some people choose to simply kill the relationship rather than addressing the issue. I highly discourage that.

Great relationships don't exist because of the lack of tension. They exist because of how both people respond and resolve tension. 

If you're uncomfortable or unsure how to bring this issue up to the other person, check out the other article I wrote called 7 Practices for healthy conflict resolution. 

3. It's Hurting other people

An extreme example of this is someone who drives drunk and could kill someone while driving. 

A more mild example (but one deserving equal attention) is someone who is hurting others by their words or deeds, whether the other person knows about these actions or not. 

For example, a coworker who is constantly gossiping about another employee and degrading their character is hurting that employee, even if the employee is unaware that it's taking place. In that case, the conflict should be addressed. 

In another scenario, a coworker might be feeling more anxiety, anger or fear because someone in the company has treated them unfairly, unkindly or abusively. Maybe a church member has been hurt because of another member's comment or action to them. Both scenarios should include a response to the conflict. 

4. It's Hurting the person with the issue

Sometimes the person causing the issue is the one who reaps the ramifications the most. Some example include those who wrestle with additions that effect their health. They might make bad choices that effect their ability to find a job or grow in their careers. Maybe they have destructive self beliefs that sabotage their chances of having a fulfilling love relationship with someone, or even having meaningful friendships. 

In this situation, it's important to address the conflict with a spirit of love and honesty. Your goal for addressing the conflict is to help them live out God's purpose for their lives and be the best they can be in light of Christ's character.