5 Guard rails for keeping relationships healthy
Relationships can be easy to fall into. And let's face it - they're easy to maintain when there's no friction and all is well in paradise. But when they hit road bumps and the path gets crazy with conflict or difficulties, how can we maintain the relationship and keep it healthy? What are the guard rails that can help us keep the relationship moving in the right direction?
In this article I'll share the five protective structures that I've learned and implemented that have helped keep my relationships healthy, even during difficulties. Whether it's marriage, family relationships, or ones at our workplace or church - these guard rails have been effective in keeping them strong.
But I want to be clear - I am not an expert in relationship advice. I am simply a learner and practitioner of lessons I'm still learning. In my attempt to become better at relationships, I've read dozens of books on the subject, taken classes and seen counselors because I want to be the best student when it comes to maintaining relationships.
With that being said, here are the five guard rails to help keep any relationship healthy.
1. Consistency - Follow through with your commitments
Simply put - be consistent in everything you are: your values, your obligations, behaviors and actions. Of course it's not enough to just be consistent because you can be consistently wrong or consistently making negative choices. The kind of consistency that cultivates healthy relationships includes the following keys:
- Commit to doing what is right
Healthy people do what's ultimately right, not convenient or out of selfish ambition. They make their decisions not just based on the good for their personal self, but also for the other people as well.
Sometimes the right decision isn't easy. But healthy people aren't about making easy choices. Their goal is to make the right ones.
- Take responsibility for any shortcomings
This means refusing to pass the blame for our mistakes on the other person. It's easy to think "well if they would have met my expectations than I would have..." The reality is healthy relationships thrive with people who can be honest about their short comings and are willing to change or rectify things.
- Be genuine in who you are
Sometimes we're tempted to put on an act because we think others will accept or respect us more. We also hide our true self because we're afraid people won't appreciate us for who we are. It's only a matter of time before people see behind the masks we wear. Eventually being fake will wear us out and deuterate the relationship.
Being honest and transparent about yourself and your thoughts is essential for a healthy relationship.
- Always be growing and developing
The moment we think we have it all together in a relationship is the moment it starts to fall apart. It's one thing to be honest with who we are, but true maturity is about looking for areas we can improve.
People help sharpen us. They help us recognize our blind spots so we can dial in our vision. If we're not open to growth, then we'll always see the other person's constructive criticism as harmful attacks.
2. Communication - Work on your communication skills
Depending on our family upbringing, our skills to have difficult and meaningful conversations may never have been developed. Communication is like a muscle that needs to be worked out. The more we work on it, the better we get. Some of the keys to improving our skill of communication include:
- Learn how to be an empathetic listener
Believe it or not, half of communication isn't speaking better. It's listening better. Most people listen in order to respond. They're not trying to understand what the other person is expressing. They're just waiting for a pause so they can insert their opinion.
In his book '7 Habits of Highly Effective People', Stephen Covey talks about the habit of seek first to understand then to be understood. He talks about the principle of empathetic listening, which requires us to attempt to put ourselves in the other person's shoes in order to understand their perspective. The more each person attempts to understand the other, the more effective our communication becomes.
- Avoid attacking someone directly
Healthy people don't assume the worst of the other friend's character or accuse them of harmful motives. That's cynicism, which has no place between friends. Sometimes when our feelings get hurt, we use hurtful language like "Why would you do something stupid like that??" or "You did that on purpose just to get back at me!" or "Why are you such an idiot??"
Instead of attacking the person directly, address the problem using "I" statements and avoid assumptions. Instead express how the issue made you feel and ask for clarification. An example of this would be:
"I felt hurt when you said what you did. It made me feel like you didn't care about my opinion. I want to hear your side. Can you please clarify why you said that?"
- Be honest about your feelings and thoughts
Piggy-backing on the previous key, it's important to be honest about your thoughts and feelings in a loving way. Sometimes we're not honest with the other person about what we want because we're afraid we'll hurt their feelings or upset them.
Because of this, we suppress our true opinions and desires which results in bitterness, contempt and passivity. Eventually we can't contain our frustration anymore and we end up exploding on the other person.
Caring about someone doesn't mean we have to hide how we feel, especially if we disagree about something. The key is being comfortable expressing our opinion clearly in a loving and respectful way.
- Keep your attitude and behavior in check
Sometimes we think we're acting a certain way toward others when we're not. We may think we're speaking calmly and respectfully when in reality we have a big scowl on our face. The tones in our voice also communicates something to the other person.
Is this really a big deal? Shouldn't friends and family just give us a break?
Well, let's put this in perspective. Let's say you tell me a joke that you're proud of for it's humor (maybe you pride yourself in how your jokes make others belt with joy). After you're done you grin at me waiting for my reaction to the punch line. Instead of howling with laughter or even giving off a small smile, I instead stare at you with an expressionless neutral face and respond with "that's really funny". What would go through your mind? You might wonder if I really got the joke. Or maybe think that I didn't think it was funny, or that I have a bad taste in humor. Either way, you're probably going to be less excited to share any jokes with me in the future.
That's a silly example. But this is what so many of us do when working on our relationships. Our words really aren't harmful - we're speaking clearly and truthfully. But our attitude and behavior tells a different story. Your goal is to align your behavior and attitude with your words. This is really the highest form of communication. When both people in a relationship learn to master this skill, they can resolve conflict, express ideas, and communicate their hearts in an exponentially successful way.
3. Humility - Don't let your ego get the best of you
All of us have an ego. It's not a bad thing. Our ego is what helps us see the worth and value in ourselves in a healthy way. A healthy ego is what allows us to process what people say about us (good or bad) and respond in a positive way.
But an unchecked ego can cause us to think way too highly of ourselves (to where we think we're more worthy than those around us) as well as thinking way to low of ourselves (thinking others are more worthy than we are). Humility is about learning how to avoid both extremes. Below are a few ways to do this:
- Be thankful and content with where you're at
Contentment is a skill many people lack. Lack of it creates a restless, unsatisfied attitude that blurs the good in our lives and focuses in on the negativity. Not only do healthy relationships require contentment for other people and what they bring to the table, but being content with our own personal lives can impact our relationships too.
If I'm always stressing out because we don't have the same big house or fancy car as our neighbors, then I'll drain my capacity to be grace-giving and loving toward those around me. People will always see a frustrated Isaac, always a worse version of myself than I could be.
Being thankful and content with our lives, friends and family remove that unnecessary stress and gives us energy and strength to show love and appreciation for others.
- Esteem others when they are down
The people we care about will have a bad day. Whether it's our spouse, pastor, boss or neighbor, life is going to throw some hurdles at our friends that will discourage them and effect their behavior. It happens to us too.
The issue we have to resolve is that sometimes we're down or bummed out, and we want those people to be at their best for us. We want them to forget about their issues and come soothe us and make us feel better. A lot of relationship tension is because one or both people are craving the support from the other, and until they get it, they withhold their own care.
But humility is about loving others enough to esteem them even when we need esteeming ourselves. It's about pausing our needs for a little bit so we can build someone else up first. Jesus set this example of humility by laying his life down for us. We also should lay our lives down for each other.
- Celebrate with those who are successful
Unhealthy people have a hard time rooting for someone's success because they tend to be absorbed with envy or jealousy. Envy says "I wish I got that promotion" while jealousy says "You don't deserve that promotion, I do!"
A healthy person on the other hand enjoys praising others for their accomplishments and doesn't sink into a victim mentality for not accomplishing the same thing. I used to struggle heavily with envy as a teenager. I remember looking at other kids and seeing the scholarships they were getting, the sports they played and how far they were going in life. I was never able to feel happiness for them because I was too focused feeling sorry for myself.
Then in highschool, I read "The Power of your Leadership" by John C Maxwell. In one of his chapters, he said, "if you want to be successful, you must add value to others." That one statement radically challenged my thinking. From that point on, I determined I would stop feeling sorry for myself when others were successful at opportunities I wish I had. Instead, I would compliment them, brag about them to others and learn to admire them for their success.
Healthy relationships include people who can be each other's cheerleaders whenever they accomplish something big.
- Be receptive to listening to constructive criticism
The last important trait of humility in a relationship is being okay when people criticize you. I don't think I've ever met anyone who loved being criticized. It can be extremely difficult when someone challenges or disagrees with what we do, what we say, or what we believe in.
I remember years ago having an employee who was level-headed and brought a lot of business experience to the table, but he challenged a lot of my business choices. In the moment, I would become angry and think to myself "they have no right to question how I conduct my business".
The truth though was that they were right. I wasn't making the best choices I could have. And I had to choose to either be arrogant and go my way just because I was the "boss", or be humble and take to heart what they were saying.
The people who know us best are often the ones who challenge us the most. But that's to be expected. They see the dull parts of us that we're good about hiding from strangers or people who don't know us deeply. We shouldn't surround ourselves with people who only point out the good qualities about ourselves (we need that too), but healthy relationships are about us growing, developing and becoming better in our character. This means our spouse or closes friends will challenge us from time to time, and we have to be open to that.
4. Respect - Value others even if you disagree with them
One of the reasons our culture and communities are so divided and polarized today is because people can't respect those who disagree with them. Instead, they look at those who disagree with them as their opponents who mean them harm.
If you can't learn to value and respect people with different ideas and opinions than you, even if you think they're wrong. then your relationship with them will become sick, and over time, die.
Healthy relationships where people respect each other even when they don't see eye to eye on things always include the following traits:
- Honor a person's story and experiences
The majority of the time, people form their worldviews, perspectives and ideas because of their personal stories and experiences. This doesn't always mean they're correct. But it does mean that connected to their ideas is a power cord connecting back to the deepest and most intimate parts of their soul.
In order to disagree and still respect someone's ideas, you must care enough to learn their story. Be curious enough to ask them why their thoughts mean so much to them. Without overstepping your bounds, dig a little more by asking follow up questions. Lean into what they say. And show them honor for where they've come from by saying things like "I had no idea that's what you went through. I understand now why you think the way you do."
- Find the common values beneath your disagreements
Sometimes we become so focused on trying to get others to go along with our strategy that we forget the values driving it. Values are deep, powerful ideas of conviction that move people to action. For example, back in WW2, we as a country helped Great Britain fight Nazi Germany because we valued life, and we weren't going to stand by and let them get away with murdering innocent people anymore. We can disagree on the strategies used, but ultimately, the shared value that life is worth standing for kept us united.
Most conflicts occur because we focus our attention on the strategy (how we're going to take action) instead of the values (why action is important to began with).
In relationships, we have to learn to disagree with people's approaches and stay united on the values that brought our relationship together in the first place.
- If you can't solve the problem, manage the tension
Of course, there are going to be times when we won't get our way. Either the boss is going to call an audible and mandate us to complete the project the way THEY want it, or our spouse isn't going to budge on the fact that they don't wan to move out of state like you want. There will be lose-lose (or lose-win scenarios).
In this dead-end situations, the goal isn't to continue trying to figure out how to get the person to eventually do things your way. The goal is to figure out how to manage the process going forward the best way possible. Andy Stanly calls this "learning to manage a tension when you can't solve a problem."
Sometimes this will require a form of compromise on your part in order to successfully forge ahead. Many people reading that might think "Isaac, I'm a person of integrity. I don't compromise". But I'm not talking about compromising your values. That would be an unintegral move. I'm talking about compromising your strategies. That's not being unintegral. That's humility.
- Never cause intentional harm out of spite or justification
You may be frustrated that your view isn't being accepted by the other person. Sometimes frustration unchecked leads to festering resentment. I've seen resentful people and how they react to those who disagree with them. Resentful people can act out in the following harmful manners:
A boss keeps an employee from moving up in the company
A spouse gives the cold shoulder to the other
A neighbor slanders another neighbor on the NextDoor app
A co-worker withholds praise from another co-worker
A parent uses abusive language to their kids
An adult child estranges their parents because of childhood conflict
A fellow church-goer gossips about someone in their small group
A board member slanders a pastor to try getting them fired
A friend calls out another friend on social media
A person writes a blog that intentionally attacks someone's character
A customer cancels a local business by getting their friends to leave numerous negative reviews on their Google page
Unhealed bitterness can lead to harmful actions that can forever damage the relationship and effect anyone who was apart of it as well. You may even think of good excuses for acting the way you do. But pain-reactive choices always damage, they never heal.
Healthy relationships know the difference between revenge and resolution. They know how to follow the correct steps for seeking restitution instead of going rogue and seeking retaliation.
5. Forgiving - Give others the benefit of a doubt and don't hold a grudge
It's interesting how when we're upset at someone for not appreciating what we do, our minds automatically think "How could they forget all the wonderful things I've done for them??" while we ourselves keep track of all the kind acts our spouses or friends do for us.
It's also interesting how when someone lets us down or really hurts us, we make a mental note of it and make sure we never forget it. But when someone brings up how we've hurt them in the past, we say "Why would you throw the past in my face like that??"
The truth is that the standard we hold others to is never the one we let ourselves be held to. We want others to extend grace to us when we screw up, and yet we look at the condemnation we pass on others as "justified and necessary". And yet that's the opposite of what forgiveness is. Forgiveness isn't enabling bad behavior so much as it's simply extending the same level of grace to others that we wish they'd extend to us. Healthy relationships are always working on becoming better at forgiving each other, and they often include the following qualities:
- Make allowances for missed expectations
Usually we assume the worst about someone when they fail an expectation or don't fulfill a certain desire.
An example of this is in the past, when my wife Lizzy would come home from work and not ask me how my day was, I would throw a pity party and assume she didn't care about my day. Of course that wasn't true at all, and after talking about, she assured me she does care about my day. After we talked through things, I realized it was both wrong and unhelpful for me to assume the worst about her when she didn't act the way I hoped she would.
People won't always meet our expectations. Often it's because we haven't communicated them. Instead of clarifying them, we simmer in hurt feelings and come up with crazy reasons why they hate us. Healthy people know not to assume the worst and are comfortable clarifying their needs to the other person.
- Don't assume the worst about someone's motives
The consequence of not making allowances for missed expectations is that we begin to form unhelpful (and unhealthy) beliefs about that person. It goes from simply thinking "This person hurt my feelings when they did that..." to "They hurt my feelings because they hate me...".
An example of this is that sometimes, I'll text a friend to see if they want to get l coffee. There have been times when a friend won't text me back. In that situation, I can give them grace and let it go, or I can let it get to me and think "Why are they ignoring me?" If I ponder on that thought enough, I might start thinking things like:
They must be annoyed with me
They don't like hanging out with me like I though they do
They must be offended that I declined to go see the hockey game with them
They're still sore about our disagreement last month
I guess they're not as genuine as I thought they were
They're pretty shallow
Judging their motives without talking with them first does nothing good for the relationship. What's worse is that if I hold on to those thoughts, then eventually they begin influencing my actions and behaviors toward them. I become more distant and isolate myself from them more and more.
This sounds far fetched, but it's not. I've talked to countless people who are grieving a friendship where the other person or family one day told them they wanted space and for them not to contact them anymore, all because of unhealthy assumptions that compounded over time. Instead of talking through the issues earlier in the relationship, the other people eventually became influenced by their negative perceptions and decided to abort the friendship.
On the other hand, the healthiest relationships I've seen are the ones where both people don't assume the worst about the others motives. Instead they take early steps to clarify any misunderstandings and reconcile the relationship.
- Release the person to God
We should always invite the Holy Spirit into the situation by surrendering the situation to God. I can't tell you how many relationships I might have been able to save in my life if I'd just gone to the Lord in prayer first. And anytime I've committed an issue to God in a relationship, He always works through it.
Release the person to God requires two things:
1. Invite his wisdom and strength into the process
Prayerfully invite the Holy Spirit into your conversations and choices.
2. Let go and give Him the outcome - the end result
Trust God with the unknown of what will happen, good or bad. As the classic hymn lyrics go: "Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, It is well, it is well, with my soul".
- Attempt to reconciliation
If your relationship with someone has had years of value - seasons of battles won together, moments of crisis you overcame together, valleys you wouldn't have gotten through without each other - then both of you need to attempt reconciliations. The ultimate measure of a healthy relationship isn't the one without conflict, but the one that knows how to reconcile conflict.
You might think, "Isaac, if the other person has seriously caused me harm and abuse, I cannot reconcile with them - I can forgive them, but not reconcile with them." I agree with you, but this article is about maintaining healthy relationships. I'm not trying to wack anyone over the head into forcing a dangerous or abusive one.
For more information on reconciliation different types of relationships, visit my podcast series on The Miracle of Reconciliation.
For some of you, you might be thinking "this article is great Isaac for maintaining a a healthy relationship, but I'm in a pretty difficult one right now, and what I really need is help getting it healthy again..."
If that's you, keep scrolling to learn how you can set healthy boundaries in your current relationships to help you strengthen the difficult relationships in your life, and help say goodbye to the damaging ones.
