In a season when our country is more divide than ever and friends and family are cutting one another off over politics and social and religious beliefs, I thought it would be helpful to share a few lessons I'm still learning in my life on how to find common ground with others we disagree with.

Whether we like it or not, a lot of the people we know probably disagree with us about something in a major way. We can avoid the topics with them and our relationship will always stay the same level of shallow. We can avoid them all together and only hangout with people who think like we do (not a great choice for Christians) or we can learn the skills needed to have a mature and respectful conversation about something we disagree about.

In this article, I want to share those skills for having better conversations about a topic you already know you can't sway the other person to see your point of view on. Whether it's politics, social issues or faith - you can still have helpful dialogue while also having healthy disagreements.

With that said, let's jump in!

1. Ask for a special time to connect

Most heated debates happen on the fly in the middle of a social posting war or at the dinner table during the holidays when the context for the topic is out of place. By asking the other person for a time to connect, you're creating a special space for that talk.

And if you are, I'm begging you - PLEASE stop using social media to create passive posts aimed at getting an arousal from people or making you look smart. Your posts may be witty and even make you sound like a thought leader in your politics, views or faith, but you're not convincing other people to join your side. You're just making the chasm between you and them bigger.

Reach out to the person and say "Hey, I'm interested in hearing more about your thoughts on this topic. I know you recently expressed an opinion about it and it's important to me as well. Are you open for getting coffee over Zoom soon?"

Now arguably this sounds like a dramatic approach to someone you might not know well. But if it's a close friend or family member, be willing to take drastic measures like this.

2. Have the right motives

Your goal in this conversation isn't to try convincing or manipulating the other person into agreeing with your views. God doesn't do that with us. He listens to us, he communicates his truth in his word, and then he leaves it up to us whether we trust him or not. He never pushes us.

In the same way, your goal isn't to win an argument. It's to save a relationship.

When you save a relationship, it actually has a ripple effect and impacts the world around you. There's a quote from the Talmud that says "Save a life and you will save the world. Destroy a life and you will destroy the world." If we want to change the world, it starts with one relationship at a time.

3. Lead with genuine curiosity

Once you're with the person, start the conversation off with curious-based questions. Be genuinely interested in what the person has to say - not so you know how to form your rebuttal response. But because you want to know where they're coming from. The best framework for asking curious questions include the following:

• Context Question - "When it comes to this issue, what about it do you exactly believe? Can you help me understand the nature of this topic?"
  

• Values Question - "Why do you feel that way? Help me understand your heart in this - why is this important to you?"
  

• Clarity Question - "Even if others don't agree with you, there are many people who want to understand where you're coming from. What's the one thing you wish they understood about your heart?

I've found these questions don't escalate the conversation more. They help disarm the other person, who's probably assuming you're going to try arguing them out of their views.

By disarming the person's defense mechanisms, you're creating space for them to feel heard and acknowledged, even if you think they're wrong or you disagree with them.

4. Ask permission to share your heart

When they've had a chance to share in depth where they're coming from, try to communicate your perspective by asking permission to share your heart with them. And I would word it just like that. Don't say "Can I give you my take?" Or "Can I tell you my opinion?". Ask, "Would you be okay if I shared my heart on this topic?"

Notice we're sharing "our heart". We're not starting with context or facts. You're not explaining the way you "see" the issue. You're communicating why it matters to you. If you can move past the "What" of people's beliefs and get to the root of "Why", you begin to understand each other and even feel empathy.

Real quick - when sharing, try maintaining the following:

• Use a gentle tone

• Be mindful of your attitude - yes, your expressions speak just as loud as your words

• Choose your words carefully. Avoid accusatory language

5. Tease a "Win-Win" scenario

The reason I say "tease" is because you can encourage someone to find a win-win outcome for both of you without forcing them to. You're planting the seed so to speak. Some people with hard core views hate the win-win idea because they interpret it as compromise, but the truth is our nation was built on win-wins and compromise.

For example, when the constitution was being finished and George Washington was running for president against John Adams, many of the 13 colonies were in heavy disagreement about how the election should proceed. Without win-win conversations and some compromises from all colonies, the birth of our new nation would have had a very different outcome.

One of my favorite win-win stories was 46 years ago in 1979 when Egypt and Israel signed the peace treaty ending conflict over the Sinai Peninsula. Because Egypt's president and Israel's prime minister were willing to meet at Camp David a year earlier to listen and understand where the other leader was coming from, they were both able to reach a win-win agreement, and both countries have been at peace ever since.

To tease out a win-win, below are some probing questions to have the other person consider:

• "Who knows if everyone will ever be able to see 100% eye to eye on this subject. But even if they don't, I wish there was a way we could move forward with a win-win outcome. Do you know what I mean?"
  

• "I want you to know that even though my beliefs on this topic are important to me, I understand where you're coming from and respect you for that. I wonder what leave on a positive note could look like for both of us?"
  

• "I want you to know that I value our relationship, and however we move forward, I want there to be peace and goodwill between us. Do you have any ideas of what that might look like for us?"

If the other person isn't sure, share some of your ideas. Maybe a win-win is that you guys are able to talk about your political views together without getting angry and walking away. Or if the other person presents a win-win that you're not 100% onboard with, try responding with:

• "That's a good idea. Let me bounce another thought to you on top of that one..."
  

• "I love your feedback. The only thought I have is (explain). What do you think?"
  

• "That might be a good solution for some people... what are your thoughts about this idea..."

If you have a hard time remembering all of these techniques, just remember to treat everyone with human dignity and avoid putting yourself in situations (like on social media) where you're shouting from the rooftops instead of dialoguing at the table.

5 Reasons I stopped making controversial posts on social media

Why I think working through conflict on social media isn't the best idea.

7 Healthy ways I have difficult conversations

After reading lots of books, attending classes and having personal coaching, I've learned a few steps I can apply for myself to make having difficult conversations easier.

7 Practices for healthy conflict resolution

Here are 7 practices that I've had to learn and work at making a habit in order to resolve conflict with others.